It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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