That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
