Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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