so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
