in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
