Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
