What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
