I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
