My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
