Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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