Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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