Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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