Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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