brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Randomize
