Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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