They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
