Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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