So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
