You really coming over, don't trick.
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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