Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
