i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just found puke in my bra..
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
