and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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