question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
