I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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