OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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