True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
