Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
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