god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
