I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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