I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
