I just pynch a tree in the face
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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