I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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