bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
