not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
