My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
