The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
