I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
