question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
