Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We named our party play list daddy issues
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
