i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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