You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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