my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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