the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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