He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
