thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
