Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
