i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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