My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
