yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
