He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
