took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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