The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
