I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
