Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
